Saturday, March 28, 2009

A Rock and a Hard Place


Getting a pink slip has led me on an emotional rollercoaster. I have SO many recipes and things I've been wanting to blog about but my blog is such a big part of who I am that I want my posts to be heartfelt and my heart just hasn't been in posting about what I've been making for dinner. I will hopefully do that this week, maybe even tonight if I'm feeling ambitious after this post.

Getting a pink slip has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. It is so easy to stop evaluating your life when things are going well. You don't question which path you're supposed to take or which way you should go. You're on your steady path, going at a steady pace, that is until there is a giant roadblock put in front of you, then what? Well I've realized that the giant roadblock makes you reconsider where you are in life.

Since I was young I always desired to eventually be a stay-at-home mom. Take my kids to play dates, go to Women's Bible Study and make my house a happy home for my husband, my kids and for ministry. This past year of teaching has really created a struggle in me. I love teaching with all my heart. I love those kids and I really feel like I'm making a difference. On the flip side, it is a daily struggle to keep my home in order. My mom always emphasized in us kids how important it is that a man be excited to come home and I strive to have that for Dirk. Just the other day Dirk was asked to say something that he appreciates about me and he said that I make the house a place that he wants to come home to. I am so thankful that he feels that way but most days I feel like I'm barely making it and definitely not doing it to the full extent that I would like to.

Now that we have the house, keeping it clean takes SO much more than the apartment did. Teaching takes so much out of me that by the end of the day I don't feel like cleaning. That means that I spend a good majority of my weekends cleaning. I do make dinner almost every weeknight but lately the dinners have been semi-homemade and not to the quality that I would like them to be. I will blog about this in my next post, but I don't feel like I'm giving as much as I should be to feeding us.

With all of this said, I am so torn in my thoughts these days. I know that God has a plan and that I need not worry and I really don't but I can't help but think about the two, very different paths I want to take. On one hand, teaching is amazing and I love every minute of it. The thought of leaving my school, my classroom, my kids, and the staff breaks my heart. On the other hand, I desire so much to start a family with my amazing husband and to be the mom, wife and woman of God that I feel I can't be as a teacher. I know that there is a possibility of being both but I don't feel like that's me. Whatever I do I want to give 100% to. If someone came to my house today and told me that I could quit my job and continue to pay all of my bills and live a similar lifestyle to what we are now, I would do it in a heartbeat. My desire to have kids and stay home and be more involved at church does outweigh my desire to teach.

We just recently started leading a small married couples group in our home and on that first night I was sitting in my living room with the married couples reading from our Bibles and realized that my home was finally being used for it's original purpose. I was so blessed and so excited. When we were buying a house we prayed that God would give us a home that could be used for ministry and we continue to pray that He will use it for His glory. Aside from leading the Bible study we have had other opportunities for ministry and I'm so thankful for those opportunities. I do want my home and my other resources, including my time, to be used for ministry but at this point in time I just don't have the resources to do any more than we are now. I know that God has a plan and this whole pink slip thing may lead me to a totally different path and I'm excited to see what that path is. Mine and Dirk's Bible verse has always been Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I don't fully know what the desires of my heart are but He knows and I realize now more than ever that I need to be seeking Him and He will guide me to the place I need to be. Thanks for listening to my rants. :)

6 comments:

  1. I think we might be the same person. At least in respects to this. :) I very much have the same desires as you do. To be a Stay at Home Mom, have play dates, attend Women's Bible Study, and keep my home in order. We also desire our home to be used for ministry and just had a few of the guys from church over for fellowship with Jon on Saturday night. In a way I also have been given a pink slip at work, but my end date is not yet known. We are praying about what's ahead for us, and as I continue to pray for our situation, I will keep you in mind from now on. God knows the desires of our hearts and thankfully has it planned out way better than we could dream.

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  2. It's not always easy when a boulder gets put in your way, but God makes sure to give you your hearts desire. :)

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  3. Leash,

    I love that verse and now is most definitely the time for you to dwell on it and seek the Lord's desires for your life. It's true what you said about examining your life when everything is peachy-keen. It's so hard to really step back and think, "what am I doing with my life? what is my purpose?" I know you are truly seeking the Lord's guidance on this and he's given you a husband that will support you while you figure it all out.

    I truly believe that if a ministry home and you being a stay at home mom is what the Lord wants od you, he will make it happen!

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  4. Holly, I will definitely be praying for you. You already have your precious little one and I know that you have a lot invested.

    Kristin, you are so right!

    Nat, thanks for the encouragement :)

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  5. I was always open to the idea of working after Adah was born, but a few weeks ago I decided that it just was not worth it, so I gave my notice. The day after my last day at work I was put into the hospital, and then on bed rest.
    My point is, the Lord makes it so crystal clear to you, when its time, what He wants you to do (even providing the finances) that you wont even think twice about it.

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  6. Alyssa,
    Your words of wisdom in your replies these past few weeks have really been an encouragement to me. Thank you. I totally believe what you're saying but it's even more encouraging to hear from a friend who has first-hand experience. Thank you so much. Love you girl.

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