God's direction is not always easy. I sit here in my classroom while my kids are out to recess. I am applying for a job that I feel the Lord has heavily laid upon my heart and that I do have a strong desire to do, however my heart is heavy. After reading the letters of recommendation from people whom I have worked very closely with, my heart is even heavier.
I have grown up at this school. I was 20 years old when I started working here and now almost 5 1/2 years later I'm more than likely leaving the school. I have been so blessed to have a principal who has taken a real interest in my maturation in the teaching field. I also have colleagues who have been more than mentors but have become some of my closest friends. I look into the faces of my kids, some who are struggling in life and others who fill the room with joy and I think, "How can I leave this?" I love this...this is my life. Even now it brings tears into my eyes.
On the flip side, I come home to my amazing husband who has been so supportive of all that I have done and who doesn't complain when the used coffee cups are left out half full and the bathroom hasn't been deep cleaned for a month. I hold my friend's precious baby and I think I want to be working from home, taking care of my home and starting a family. The pull to stay home is always stronger than the pull to work but sometimes work is pulling almost equally as hard at my heart. I would not say that I am torn because I am 99% positive that the Lord is calling me to stay home. As the school year begins to wind down and I realize that I need to pack up my life here and move on I am sad. I'm not sure how to leave this place but I know that the Lord will give me the strength to do what He is calling me to do.