Sunday, October 10, 2010

::Sigh::

So I haven't posted in three weeks. Do I have an excuse? Not really, except that I just didn't feel like blogging. I am still working on getting my blog revamped and do plan to get back on the blogging wagon. Dirk was in Chicago for 5 days so it was just Makenzie and I at home. Hats off to you single mommies because seriously that was a ton of work, and to think I get to do it again next month, oye vey! While Dirk was gone I worked on surprising him with an office remodel (pics to come soon) but other than that I just really had time to think and reflect. I suppose that's partly why I just haven't blogged.

Only a month ago I was writing about how I struggle with perfection and perfecting my new role as wife and mommy. Here I am again. If you walked into my house right now you would not think of me as a perfectionist. I have laundry that's been folded for a few days now that still needs to be put away; baby toys on my living room floor; my bathrooms need to be cleaned and Makenzie's nursery is still covered in socks that she dumped out all over the place and that's just part of the chaos that is my house.

Although my life doesn't show it, every unfinished and unclean thing drives me crazy and causes me so much inner frustration. At the end of the day, when I finally get to sit down and relax I mentally can't relax because all that goes through my head is, "I really shouldn't be relaxing, I should be..." Don't get me wrong, Dirk is a great help around the house but he has a ton on his plate that often keeps him working all night so I don't let him do much. He is such an encouragement and never puts any pressure on me, it's all me putting the pressure on myself.

"Work first, play later" has always been my motto of sorts but my work is never finished. This has kept both Makenzie and I in the house almost every day, which isn't good for either of us. Dirk has really encouraged me to get out of the house more and find things to do with my other mommy friends that I am so blessed to have. It's just so hard for me because I do have so much hanging over my head. I am learning to pray that the Lord will take that anxiety away. One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

I have learned that my desire for perfection in myself is something that I really struggle with and it's something that I'm learning that I must rely on God for. I don't expect perfection from anyone else but I put so much pressure on myself for perfection that I am beginning to crumple up underneath it all. I was hesitant to share this because really, who wants to hear my struggles and short comings but then I thought, "Maybe there's someone else out there who feels the same way and can relate." So here it is, me bearing my struggles and short comings. I do have some posts ready to go so hopefully I'll be back blogging this week. :)

2 comments:

  1. Sounds like you have a GOOD hubby :)

    I totally hear you on the "work first, play later" thing. That's completely been my motto my whole life, which is why working 40 hours a week and going to school has completely put a damper on our house-cleanliness. A total dissappointment.

    BUT, the Lord has shown me that it's important to take time out an relax. Which He's obviously showing you too :)

    Love you much!

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  2. I honestly could have written those exact words myself. My messy house drives me crazy. On the rare occasion that Ryan naps, I use the time to frantically run around cleaning up.
    That Bible verse is also one of my favorites. I went through a period of anxiety in my life a few years ago and I used to repeat that verse in my head when I found myself worrying.
    I will pray for you! I can definitely relate.

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