My first act of true "sacrificial" motherhood started just minutes before Makenzie took her first breath.
I also remember when they finally let me take a shower, how I hobbled over to the bathroom, feeling like my insides were going to fall out of my body, every single inch of my body throbbing, and swollen. I had the hardest time getting out of bed and even watched from afar as Dirk give Makenzie her first bath because moving HURT.
I remember looking in the mirror in the bathroom and saying to myself, "What just happened to me?" I didn't have an overcoming sense of joy, I just wanted to go home and take a shower in my own bathroom, lay in my own bed, cuddling my new baby and pretend that everything that had just occurred, never happened.
So now, as this birth gets closer I am anxious. I am anxious about the fact that the two hospitals we are looking at make you share a room with another post-partum mom. I'm anxious about the fact that I don't have a doctor that I can trust. I'm anxious that I'm going to be stuck at the hospital for longer than I want to, when really I just want to be home with my hubby and my two girls, getting adjusted to our new life.
So, in my ideal world, we have a home birth, but the cost is way more than I'm willing to pay, especially when we are blessed with amazing insurance that fully insures a hospital birth.There are a few people who have said to me, "You should have the perfect birth at all costs, don't let money hold you back." Really? That might be what God has pressed upon their hearts,
and that is perfectly amazing, seriously!, but for me, I cannot justify putting my family's finances in jeopardy because I wanted to be comfy in my own bed. In the end, Makenzie is healthy as can be, I'm totally healthy and this pregnancy is going great. We are not scarred with the exception of a few bad memories and Makenzie doesn't remember a single second of it.
I am still looking into the midwife option but it is an uphill, losing battle. I went to my primary care physician's office yesterday to get them to send in a request and as soon as I said, "midwife" some guy in scrubs (who knows what his job was) next to the receptionist, laughed out loud. Seriously, laughed out loud. I guess the idea is that there are hospitals and doctors totally qualified to help you and, in our case, for no cost out of our pocket, why would you be looking elsewhere? Seriously nobody knows what's up and I can't get a straight answer from anybody. It's like chasing after the wind. Nobody knows who to refer me to or where we should go. And after spending hours researching ALL southern California birthing centers, it sounds like you won't know what you're insurance will pay until AFTER you have the baby. I'm not taking that risk. I would rather be in the same situation, pumping every two hours, than stressing over how we're going to pay thousands of dollars to a midwife. We are currently looking into a new doctor and new hospital, both of which have come highly recommended, it sounds like that might be our best bet. I know I have a lot of people praying for us and I know that God has a perfect place for this baby to be born...now we just have to wait and see what He has in store.