Wednesday, March 27, 2013

An Uphill, Losing Battle

My first act of true "sacrificial" motherhood started just minutes before Makenzie took her first breath.
I remember only bits and pieces of my labor but one thing I remember very clearly is the doctor yelling, "Someone get the kiwi!" and me yelling back at him, "What's a kiwi?" I remember the doctor telling me he was going to suction my baby out and I remember telling him, "You are NOT suctioning my baby out!" He told me I had a few more pushes and if the baby wasn't out he was going to suction her out. I remember a flood of determination and a surge of energy coming over me and pushing with all my might, and thanks to all those kegels and God answering the prayers I was shooting up to Him, I pushed that baby girl out and tore myself in two. That was the start to a nightmare that I will never forget. That picture above? I look like that because, well first of all I just delivered a baby, but really because I'm trying to be happy that we have our daughter here and she's healthy, but what you don't see is the rookie doctor at the foot of the bed attempting to sew me up for TWO hours, while my baby girl screamed and was passed from her daddy, to her poppy and her grammy, I was in excruciating pain because they were sewing me up and I could feel EVERY.SINGLE.STITCH. That was the start of a horrible breastfeeding relationship that then led me to exclusively pump for nine, long months.

I also remember when they finally let me take a shower, how I hobbled over to the bathroom, feeling like my insides were going to fall out of my body, every single inch of my body throbbing, and swollen. I had the hardest time getting out of bed and even watched from afar as Dirk give Makenzie her first bath because moving HURT.

I remember looking in the mirror in the bathroom and saying to myself, "What just happened to me?" I didn't have an overcoming sense of joy, I just wanted to go home and take a shower in my own bathroom, lay in my own bed, cuddling my new baby and pretend that everything that had just occurred, never happened.

So now, as this birth gets closer I am anxious. I am anxious about the fact that the two hospitals we are looking at make you share a room with another post-partum mom. I'm anxious about the fact that I don't have a doctor that I can trust. I'm anxious that I'm going to be stuck at the hospital for longer than I want to, when really I just want to be home with my hubby and my two girls, getting adjusted to our new life.

So, in my ideal world, we have a home birth, but the cost is way more than I'm willing to pay, especially when we are blessed with amazing insurance that fully insures a hospital birth.There are a few people who have said to me, "You should have the perfect birth at all costs, don't let money hold you back." Really? That might be what God has pressed upon their hearts,
and that is perfectly amazing, seriously!, but for me, I cannot justify putting my family's finances in jeopardy because I wanted to be comfy in my own bed. In the end, Makenzie is healthy as can be, I'm totally healthy and this pregnancy is going great. We are not scarred with the exception of a few bad memories and Makenzie doesn't remember a single second of it.

I am still looking into the midwife option but it is an uphill, losing battle. I went to my primary care physician's office yesterday to get them to send in a request and as soon as I said, "midwife" some guy in scrubs (who knows what his job was) next to the receptionist, laughed out loud. Seriously, laughed out loud. I guess the idea is that there are hospitals and doctors totally qualified to help you and, in our case, for no cost out of our pocket, why would you be looking elsewhere? Seriously nobody knows what's up and I can't get a straight answer from anybody. It's like chasing after the wind. Nobody knows who to refer me to or where we should go. And after spending hours researching ALL southern California birthing centers, it sounds like you won't know what you're insurance will pay until AFTER you have the baby. I'm not taking that risk. I would rather be in the same situation, pumping every two hours, than stressing over how we're going to pay thousands of dollars to a midwife. We are currently looking into a new doctor and new hospital, both of which have come highly recommended, it sounds like that might be our best bet. I know I have a lot of people praying for us and I know that God has a perfect place for this baby to be we just have to wait and see what He has in store.


  1. Wow. First off, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience the first time around. I want you to know that the 2nd time around will NOT leave you feeling so miserable afterwards. Your body will remember and I bet you'll be surprised how quickly you bounce back this time. (At least that is what I pray for you! It was the case with me).

    I had a 3rd degree tear the first time, and I remember being so sore for weeks. It hurt to do everything. This time around I was grocery shopping with my toddler 3 days after I got home. I know it's different for everyone, though. I think having a knowledgeable doctor or midwife this time will make a huge difference.

    I hope you can find a midwife. I have Kaiser and they give you the option of using a midwife, which I did this time around. I can't believe you are encountering so much difficulty in finding one! I pray that God will lead you exactly where He wants you to be.

    1. Steph, I cannot believe you had a third degree tear! I guess I was so traumatized by it that I never looked up what it really was, I mean I knew what it was but not the severity. I told Dirk that I felt so tore up it had to be a 3rd degree, then I looked at some sketches on WebMD of what each degree tear is and it was gnarly! My stomach was in knots after looking at that. I can't believe you had to recover from that. My second degree was bad enough! Thanks for the encouragement too! :)

    2. Yikes I don't even want to look it up to see what it looks like! I also didn't endure hours of stitching, though. Seemed like maybe 15 minutes? This time around I had a 1st degree and it really wasn't bad at all.

  2. i don't know you and happened upon your blog by accident...but i just have to let you're not alone. i had a horrible time when my oldest son was born...praying all goes well for you this time around.

    1. Thanks so much! I'm confident that things will be better this time around, and if not at least I have a better idea of how to cope. :)

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  4. I have three children. All scheduled c-sections. Well, the first one wasn't actually "scheduled" ahead of time, but I never went into labor either. I never could nurse my first child. He was a little early, I had no milk because my body had no idea what was happening (My breasts didn't get the memo.), and I had just been eviscerated. I pumped for months. And months. And months.

    With my second child, even though it was similar birth situation, latched on IMMEDIATELY, and nursed well.

    My third was born hungry (and screaming) and my milk didn't come in for days. The whole time she screamed. And lost weight. The hospital knew I was adamant about no bottle (what ruined my first child) so they even let her lose more weight than was "aloud." But, eventually they made me bottle feed her. I cried and cried. But once I gave her the bottle and she stopped screaming for the first time in 48 hours, I didn't feel so bad about it. With her I had to pump for a while, but got her back on the breast.

    All of this to say, I have a lot of experience in this area and I have a lot of tips for making sure you can get subsequent babies on the breast. I have come across your blog quite by accident and of course you don't know me, but if you have questions you can email me at

    I am sorry about your birth experience. I am not pro-C-section, but stories like this give me a little more peace about it (since I had no choice).

  5. It's my first visit to your blog and this is my second comment already!

    I'm sorry to hear about the nasty experience you had the first time around. You do know that what happened to you was an exception, right? So, there's almost 100% chance that the second delivery will be easier and come with less-pain memories.

    About room-sharing, I had to get hospitalised earlier this year for something that I thought would only take a few hours. So, I decided to share a room with a post-partum mom. Bad choice. I ended up with a room partner with an extremely unhygienic lifestyle (among others) and the procedure for which I was hospitalised took much longer and was much, much, much more painful than expected. We were lucky that a single-occupancy room became available and we could move to it (but we - not the insurer - had to paid for it). What I'm trying to tell you is do not share a room if you can help it.

    All the best!

  6. Hi Alicia, we are all praying for you and your new daughter, everything will be fine. Stay strong.

  7. I live in NJ so it might be different but my midwife delivers at the hospital and so my insurance paid for it. I don't know how CA is or your insurance but just call the midwifes and ask if they will deliver at the hospital. My birth experience was amazing because of my midwife. I hope you are able to figure it out and this birth is better for you.

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